Life is Interesting Isn't It?

I have come to a place in my life where I'm a little bit in limbo.  Well, the truth be told, a lot in limbo.  I have been doing the wife/mother thing for about 23 years now and with each passing month, I seem to be looking down the barrel of the "you're fired" gun.  Perhaps that is too harsh...  How about the "your services are coming to a close" gun.  

This concept seems so foreign a me since I've been doing this mother shtick for over half of my life.  I haven't held a paying job since I was pregnant with Sarah, which I had to quit because an office worker who turns green and runs to the bathroom is really of NO use.  I never got my college degree, never took classes, never branched outside of raising our kids and I was mostly wingin' it for that.  Hey, they're all still alive, healthy, happy and in need of very little counseling.   If they end up needing shock treatments to cope with their mother's issues, I apologize in advance.  

I have defiantly NOT been perfect in my mothering but I believe I did the best I could.  Some days are better than others.   Motherhood is NOT for with weary or faint of heart.  It requires a steady hand, and big heart and LOTS of understanding and patience.    A referee shirt and whistle might have come in handy too, but true to form, I'm a day late and a dollar short on that idea!  

I love my kids!!  I adore them more each day.  I admire them for who they are and what they will become.  I appreciate them for what they have taught me and for letting me occasionally teach them. 

I know that I will always be their mother and that they will always need me in some capacity, in fact, I have told them that I will haunt them forever whether they like it or not!  Don't all moms tell their kids this? 

They really are my pride and joy.  My one REAL accomplishment in life.

 

So, now what??  My head has been swirling for weeks now.  What the heck to I do when they all leave me?  I know that I still have some time left until they're all gone but I've got to prepare.  I've got to plan for that day.  I've got to find another hobby or skill.  I've got to figure out what I want/need to do for the second half of my life.  

I've got to GET A LIFE!!!  

The BIG problem for me is that I have a REALLY difficult time focusing on ME!   I've never wanted to be the center of attention.  Never wanted to be perceived as selfish, self absorbed or self promoting.  I don't understand the moms who take ,what seems like, a massive amount of time away from family to focus on themselves, their bodies, their "girl time" or the next race.  On the other hand, perhaps I should start to focus a little more on myself, my body, my health etc.  It's just such an uncomfortable place for me.  I know there's a balance, I just haven't found it yet.  

I never wanted to be put in a position of choosing between my family or a job/school.   This has been my internal struggle for several years now.  What if I cant make it to...a game, a dinner, a concert, a whatever, because I have to be at school or work?  I know that I'm a very blessed woman that has been able to have that choice that some do not.  I know this!  

I can take classes at BYU (for free) but I have issues with that.  Here's just one..."it's not fair that I take up a seat that might be occupied by a serious student".  There are more where that came from and YES, I know that they're ALL cop-outs!!   I have so many thoughts that sometimes I think I should rename myself Sybil for crying out loud!!  For those of you younger types that (lovingly) blog stock me, it was a movie in the 70's about a crazy lady with multiple personalities, 8 to be exact.  


When it all boils down to it, it's FEAR!!  Yup, I admit it.  I'm a scardy cat.   I am working though it and I will do something with my life, but it might take some time, which fortunately, I have a little of.   Until then, I'm going to try to be a better wife, mom, sister, friend, and anything else that comes my way.