So this last weekend, a few of us traveled down to our old hometown (Mesquite). I had to clarify which one because we've had so many over the years. One of our dearest friends' son is leaving on his mission soon and was speaking in church. He will be serving in Mexico City, Mexico. We love this family so much that while we lived there, my kids spent much of their time at their house and when they weren't over there, Colton was at our home. The summers were spent playing night games, going to the golf course (even in 105*), riding ATV's, swimming, jumping on the trampoline, exploring the mountains, feeding cattle, and one time Jeffrey got to go with Colton and his dad to castrate some calves. I don't think he will EVER forget that day!
We've had BBQ's together and rejoiced every time a new grand baby was born (they have 8 kids, 7 of them living, so that makes for a LOT of grand babies). I could spend hours talking with Chris (the mom) about everything. These are the kinds of people that I really admire. Theron, the dad, is the Stake President, a rancher, a realtor, a businessman, and is as down to earth as any human can get. No pretenses there. They don't care what you look like, how much money you have, what your hair looks like, and family is EVERYTHING to them. They are very hard working people who love that community.
When Colton got up to speak, he said "Oh man, I forgot my scriptures". Then said "I'll just use my dad's" (Remember, his dad is the Stake President.) Then he proceeded to bend down and grab a set of scriptures, open them up and gently blew on them at which time a puff of white "dust" flies out. He then said "Dad, you should read these more often". I laughed so hard! Everyone was laughing. Theron was laughing too but it took a second for him to figure it out because he was sitting behind Colton.
Colton gave a wonderful talk about why he will be serving a mission and who has inspired him over his lifetime. I have not doubt that he will be loved down in Mexico.
Now to the advise part:
On Friday our ward had a Valentines dinner with a couple of speakers taking about marriage. Dave, Sarah and I went. The speakers were the Hunts, a couple in our ward who just celebrated their 50th anniversary. They were awesome! They know how to laugh, have fun, support, and encourage each other which would explain how they've managed to last this long. A couple things that they said stuck with me.
First, don't put your kids before your spouse. She said if you are doing this, reevaluate it! We all know there will be times when the kids need first attention (when they're sick, hurt etc) but don't make it a habit to put them first. They are NOT part of your marriage and should not be treated as though they are. I still tell people I have a "boyfriend", because I do! My kids know it. My friends know it. And HE knows it!
Second. she said that they've never been the kind of couple that "needed" their own separate escape such as "night with the boys or girls night out". They spent time together. Not 24/7 but they invested more time in their marriage than with friends, sports, hobbies etc. Good counsel, I think.
Personal side note: We've always made it a priority to go on dates.
We don't take the kids along. We have paid out thousands of dollars for baby sitters but it has been worth every penny! The kids learned early on that they could survive a few of hours without us and that
we would return. When Sarah was about 9 we let her baby sit for short periods of time. One of my best friends and I used to laugh about giving our older girls the "talk" about
unrighteous dominion and how they both needed to understand that if they chose that path with their younger siblings, we
would hear about it, and there
would be swift justice. Oldest daughters tend to do that. They think that are in charge starting at a young age. Most boys, on the other hand, would let the house burn down :)
This also brings up another point of parenting. I have had a few friends (not the same friend referred to above) over the years that are absolutely wonderful people but when we are talking, either face to face or on the phone, it is really hard to tell if they are having a conversation with me or their kids. My theory is, once or twice, I'll ignore it. After that, I'll say something like "it sounds like you are busy so just call me when you can talk." What they are telling me is, that they either don't care to have a conversation, or that they don't have time at the moment, or that they can't or won't correct their kids Either way is fine, but why waste my time waiting for them to pay attention?
My kids learned that when I was having a conversation, it was
rude to interrupt, unless they were "on fire" (a nod to Dave's career) or really in trouble. This is not to say that I didn't keep my eyes on them to make sure they weren't hurt. They got clever and occasionally wrote me short notes and slipped them to me, mid conversation. These were not life threatening situations! They were things like "Can I go to so and so's house?" kind of questions.
If you want to build self esteem in your kids, don't "fight" their battles for them. When the kids were younger and would have a problem with someone, they did what all kids do. They came to tattle on the "offender", to me. They learned very quickly that my first question to THEM would be, what did YOU do? If I discovered that both parties were wrong, which was usually the case, I would teach them the words and phrases to use and then send them on their way. Most times things came to a peaceful conclusion and that was that. This also forces them to evaluate if this is a worth while fight? Is this worth telling mom about and having her find out what I did? Sometimes things didn't work out nicely, in which case they also learned that life isn't fair and that they really could go on living even if "johnny" wasn't being nice. Some kids are just mean, which is another great lesson to be learned in this life. Deal with it, move on and find another friend to play with. If, however, they are going through friends like crazy, that might be a red flag that your child is way too sensitive and might need to toughen up a bit.
As they got older and things got a little messier and sometimes they'd have to deal with adults (teachers etc.), I would do the same thing by teaching them how to talk to adults, how to listen, how to communicate clearly and how to stand up for themselves. I can only think of a couple of times when I needed to step in, as another adult, but for the most part they could handle it. I always followed up on things by asking them questions.
Just my two cents and passing thoughts...
